I could not stop laughing when reading this Celine Sparks article to Glenn… I. Could. NOT! (You should read it here! https://www.celinesparks.com/post/the-day-ai-went-to-the-grocery-store) Glenn said it’s good that I don’t have any stitches right now or I would have busted them. He said my problem is that I can see Celine doing all this. My other problem is I’m one of the rest of us…who has done every single one of these things, but failed to find the humor.
I failed to find it just last night. At Dollar General, just before closing, I first thought “I don’t need a buggy.” But then I saw that sale table…”Well, I might need one.” Little did I know that there was barely even room for me to squeeze through the aisles without a buggy, And then, on one of those aisles that has 15 palates of new merchandise ready to be placed on the shelves that are currently completely hidden by said tarp-covered stacks of all the stuff you can’t find on the shelves if you can even find the shelves, I met one of my neighbors. Trying to get out of her way, I jammed my toe right into some bolt or screw or something on the bottom of that buggy and it sliced right into my little toe. Who does stuff like that? Embarrassed, I tried to masque the horrific pain and keep smiling at my neighbors and act like I was NOT writhing and jumping up and down and shouting on my insides.
After moving to another fat-man’s-squeeze kind of aisle, I finally looked down to assess the damage and there was blood all over my sandal. I just kept smiling and nodding as my neighbors chatted. I’d just come, in the first place, to get Colleyanna an Ace bandage for that little sprain before she left for camp, At least I was on the right aisle for bandages, gauze and pain medication, for which I was rapidly recognizing a need. When I finally got to the counter, the cashier guy came in from his smoke break to check me out, rung up my items and only then did I realize I didn’t have my credit card or even one penny to my name.
I had to call Glenn to come to the Dollar General with his wallet. I’ve hated doing that, or 
a similar thing, to that man all the many times it’s been necessary through the years. (He was nice, but then he HAD to be nice when I interrupted his quiet sermon prep for a lesson on great fathers, husbands and family protectors.) That cashier guy said “You re calling your husband!? Well, where is he?” He canceled out my order and went back outside to try to take another drag . I wondered what was taking so long for Glenn to come–long enough for me to read a whole article about William and Kate in the People magazine and ponder about how Kate had probably never had to call William to the Dollar General. Glenn wheeled in there, and joined the effort to get that cashier to kick the habit, 1/2 cigarette at the time. The guy put his cigarette out again, came in, unloaded every item from the bag and re-scanned each one, while my little piggy that cried all the way home (like me) just kept bleeding profusely. I wanted to wrap that toe up so badly, but then you can’t open the bandaids and gauze until you pay for them. And Glenn just kept going. “Do you think your card is at home somewhere? When did you last have it?”
I said “It might be in the lake. I think I had it in my pocket there.” Glenn was putting his helmet back on (He’d come on his little scooter.) when he suddenly said “WAIT! YOU ARE BLEEDING!?”
Well, I did not see any humor at any point. I did not see it all day today. I could not wear a shoe on that foot. I have blood all over the insole of my Birkenstock knock-offs. We’re speaking at three different summer camps this week and it’s not looking good for tennis shoes, while trying to play Gaga ball.. (It’s not looking good for Birkenstock knock-offs, either.) I failed to see the humor. Tonight I read Celine’s post and I REALLY have not laughed that hard in ages.
Celine and I are sisters. Glenn said ” Wonder how come one of you turned out like Celine?” What he’s really thinking is …”and the other one of you turned out to have constantly interrupted conversations between the brain and the body appendages?…the other one of you can’t keep up with squat?…the other one of you can go to the store for one little bandage and end up with a massive toe hemorrhage?”
Not funny. But I love laughing at Celine.