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Relationships

Bless Your Heart by Cindy Colley

Little Truths from Anne with an “e”…

Posted on May 29, 2023

Thanks to three friends who could have invited any number of friends who would have loved this trip, but invited me, I am sitting in a seaside cottage watching huge whitecaps roll in and thinking about Anne of Green Gables. I’m on Prince Edward Island, off course. Try not to be jealous and think with me, for a few minutes about Anne, with an “e”. She’a the 1908 creation of Lucy Maud Montgomery and she is one of my all-time favorite literary characters. SO, in honor, of a girl’s trip that’s been on my bucket list for many years, Here are a few favorite quotes from Anne. She made lots of Biblical applications in this fictional work. Here are a few of my favorites. 

“I’ve made up my mind to enjoy this drive. It’s been my experience that you can nearly always enjoy things if you make up your mind firmly that you will. Of course, you must make it up firmly.” Anne  

Contentment in Christ consists of the making up of the mind. It’s a firm commitment to the One Who gives us hope and assurance. It’s knowing that, no matter what comes my way, both good and bad events will work together for my good, as His child (Romans 8:28). It is learning, as Paul did that contentment is not in the state of outward circumstances. Contentment is in the soul—the mind—given over to Christ, though Whom I can do all things. “

I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil. 4:12-13

“Oh, they meant to be —I know they meant to be just as good and kind as possible. And when people mean to be good to you, you don’t mind very much when they’re not quite—always.” Anne

Sometimes, when we feel slighted or even abused by people, it’s very helpful to stand back and use our imaginations. What could have been happening in his/her life that provoked such inattention or even unkindness? Is the way she treated me representative of who she is, or is this just an anomaly? Was her intent really malicious or was this just a bad day? It’s called long-suffering and forbearance, It’s called, by the Holy Spirit, “thinking no evil.” 

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil…1 Corinthians 13:4,5

“You have given me a hope. I shall always feel that you are a benefactor.” Anne

Hope is among the greatest of gifts, for the extinguishing of it is the death of dreams. Hope is anticipation with expectation. Christ is our greatest benefactor,  for while men may offer hope for a higher salary, a position of worldly influence, or even an extended lifetime, Jesus is the solitary source of hope eternal. My hope in Jesus is infinitely more precious than any motivating anticipation offered by this world.  We rejoice in that hope.

Rejoicing in hope (Romans 12:12)

“But he wasn’t talking to me….He was talking to God and he didn’t seem to be very much interested in it either. I think he thought God was too far off to make it worthwhile.” Anne

Sometimes, if we are not careful, we can fall into the rut of saying our prayers, rather than praying; of bowing our heads and not our hearts,  God has given us full access to the greatest source of power, light, and warmth that can be known in this lifetime. But he wants us, still, to ask. And He always hears. He walks right beside each of us. God is my one friend that is always closest, most accessible, most helpful and most forgiving. I think I should make sure, in this lifetime, that he is the friend with whom I communicate most often and with whom I have the deepest relationship.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 These. 5:16-18. 

‘

“It’s lovely to be going home and know it’s home.” Anne 

As Christians, we are headed home. It’s a blessed assurance to understand that this world is not my home. When I grasp the reality of the brevity of the fleeting pleasures of this world and the unfathomable beauty of the land to which I am going, I can begin to contemplate the ultimate dimension of loveliness. 

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away (Revelation 21:4)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

I love this trip. But I really love the bigger pilgrimage I’m taking—the one that encompasses everything lovely, everything challenging, everything temporal and all things lasting. That trip is really what every other little journey is about!

Bless Your Heart by Cindy Colley

Sister to Sister: Bind Us Together

Posted on October 9, 2017

For several days now, I’ve been thinking about and praying for a righteous perspective about relationships…friendships…the sisterhood. Like most areas of living, if we can get HIS view into our own focus, we can get this right. After thinking and maybe even overthinking, I believe the age-old secret to preserving godly relationships is deeply embedded in the concept of agape, itself. And it really seems pretty simple to me.

I think there are two premises that are required for friendships that cannot be severed. It’s important to remember that BOTH premises must be central to BOTH parties in a relationship. It seems to me that, if they are, you have a friendship that can’t be annulled; a kinship that will never end. If they are not, the friendship is severely compromised.

The first premise is this: I will never intentionally offend you, unless I must offend you to obey God.

The second premise is this: I will never be offended by something you inadvertently do, unless it is sinful, and thus offends God. 

Perhaps this is an oversimplification, but it seems to me, that if BOTH parties in a relationship are willing and able to maintain BOTH of these premises, there will be no end to the “green pastures” through which he leads and protects us. Adherence to the first premise means that I will love you enough to do whatever it is that would keep you safe from insult or injury in my relationship with you, up to the point of offending my Lord. The second means I will love you enough to give you the benefit of the doubt when I am tempted to become offended, unless you are sinning in the offense.

I believe this is Biblical. The first premise is based on many passages, including I Corinthians 10:24.

Let no man seek His own, but every man another’s well-being.

The second premise finds a home in many places, too. Among them would be I Corinthians 13:4-7

Charity suffers long, and is kind; charity envies not; charity vaunts not itself, is not puffed up, Does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; Rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The first premise makes me pray “Lord please help me to be only an encouragement to this, my sister, and help me never to be a stumbling block to her in any way.  Let me show her always your grace and your light and place my own desires below her needs and desires.”

The second premise makes me pray “Lord, please help me to think the very best of this, my sister. Please help me to be longsuffering enough to know that she loves me and that she would never intentionally hurt me.”

If we both are thinking both ways, we can’t ever lose relationships over things that are less important than the gospel. I believe a great example of this is the relationship of Jonathan and David. Surely Jonathan placed his own desires below the needs of David as he risked his own life in the advancement of David, even against his own flesh and blood (I Samuel 20—premise 1). Surely David must have always been thinking only the best of Jonathan, even as Jonathan died fighting in the army of David’s own enemy, Saul. It is encouraging to see David’s memorial honoring of Jonathan even after he lost his life in service to Saul (II Samuel chapters 1&9—premise 2). 

I hope and believe I can rely on these Biblical principles to guide me to godly relationships…those relationships that can always promote unity and evangelism among and by His people today. 

Bless Your Heart by Cindy Colley

Sister to Sister: Ironic Living

Posted on September 21, 2017

Funny thing happened to me on the way to the auditorium in one of my recent speaking engagements. On this particular day, there was a donut breakfast prior to the seminar. It was a pleasant fellowship brunch held in the lobby of the auditorium of this church building. Upon speaking to one of the elderly women, she rather scowled at me and said, “Whoever heard of having donuts and coffee in the lobby?… I just don’t approve of this at all!”

Well, she said it with a coffee cup in her hand, so I smiled and responded, “Well, perhaps you should put down your cup, then, if it bothers you.”

She said, “Well, it does bother me!”

I said, “Well, do you think it’s okay down the hall in the fellowship room, then, but it’s not okay in this room?”

“Just a minute,” she responded, “and I’ll tell you what I think.” She proceeded to scoot around the table to the coffee dispenser to refill her cup.

While her inconsistency was a little more blatant than most, it occurred to me that, in most of us, there may often be an unrecognized clash between what we say and what we do. Here’s a sampling. You may have heard similar statements.

“Mom, Jamie doesn’t bow her head when we are praying.”

“I just hate Sophie. She’s always bad-mouthing people.”

“Honey, I wish for once you would stop being so selfish and think about what I need from this relationship.”

“I know I need to get serious about this, but I just don’t have TIME to think much about ETERNITY.”

Facebook status: “It makes me sick how people on facebook are always so negative.”

“I always sit all by myself. Why doesn’t somebody come sit with me?”

…or my personal favorite… “I can write good. That’s always been my favorite subject. Can you tell me how I maybe could write a book?”

These are funny examples of ironic self incrimination. But, in a more serious vein, perhaps we should all taste our words to be sure we are not spewing forth like the fountain in James 2:

Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh (James 2:12, 13).

And one final word from the One Who has the final word:

“…So practice and observe whatever they tell you—but not what they do. For they preach, but do not practice.
They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger (Matthew 23:3,4).”

Bless Your Heart by Cindy Colley

Sister to Sister: Pop-off People

Posted on June 5, 2017

Do you know anyone who’s just liable to pop off in a rage at any given moment?…Someone you just dread being around because she just might snap at you for the least of offenses, or for nothing at all? Sometimes such a person will be fairly polite for an extended period of time, causing you to loosen your guard and open up to her–share some of your opinions–only to have her lash out once more, causing you to retreat again and making you want as little conversation with her as possible. 

I’m not an expert in dealing with such a person. But I’m getting more experience and I can think of a few lessons learned in what is, perhaps, not the prettiest way. 

First, I hope you don’t allow yourself to become embittered toward such a person. If you do, you lose the best chance to do something that builds patience (James 1: 2ff ) Instead of shouting or “smarting” back, try gently explaining that, while you do not deserve this kind of mistreatment, you refuse to lash out in anger against anyone and that you will do your best to continue to be nothing but kind regardless of how you are treated. Each time you respond in kindness, you’re building spiritual muscle that makes you stronger for the next encounter.

Second, resolve to pity that person. Just be glad you are not her. Be glad you are the recipient of ill treatment rather than the dispenser. Such a person is not very happy. Troublemakers are troubled people. Besides, you have the favor of the Lord if you do not seek to retaliate in such a scenario. Stay on His side. 

Thirdly, Read the last few verses of Romans 12 and think of some practical ways in your specific situation in which to heap coals of fire. In my instance, this person told me exactly what inexpensive item she’s looking for right now on eBay. She told me this just before exploding at me. Well, I can shop on eBay, too, and I may search for some coals. I just may find some (at a bargain price) to heap on her head. Perhaps it would help move her toward heaven. 

Fourthly, if you believe there might be a disorder or a chemical imbalance occurring that’s causing outbursts of anger, pray and consider toward finding someone who might be able to convince the angry sister (or brother) to seek medical or professional help for the problem. Often this is very difficult to accomplish (because everyone’s afraid to get close enough to the ticking time bomb to suggest it), but I have seen angry people modify or eliminate the problem with proper help. They’ve gone on to live happy and productive lives. Homes have been stabilized and marriages strengthened by medical intervention. It’s just a fact.

Fifthly, don’t put too much stock in a criticism if it is from lips that alternately yell and scowl and bear gnashing teeth. Go to an older, wiser, unbiased person and ask for an assessment before you enter the world of guilt. Most importantly, go to the Word.

Lastly, remember the lamb that was led to the slaughter, opening not his mouth (Is. 53:7 ). Remember he spoke from the cross saying “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” and made that forgiveness possible beginning at the following Pentecost (Acts 2:37,38). Remember your own state without that lamb’s sacrifice. (Your sin might not be unrighteous anger, but it is something!) Be sure that you are on-the-ready to forgive if penitence is achieved in the life of the angry sister. In fact, you should be in prayer for that penitence. 

Remember, the golden rule was meant for golden opportunities. When someone pops off at you, it’s a large and spontaneous and, yes, a golden opportunity to exhibit your faith in the command of Matthew 7:12.                                                                             

Bless Your Heart by Cindy Colley

Sister to Sister: Guest Writer, Hannah Colley Giselbach

Posted on November 5, 2015

DSC_0662Earlier this week a mom of a college student stood relating to me a bit of the “drama” that seems to be inescapable in her daughter’s world. It just seems like it’s hard to be in a dorm, an apartment, or even on a team with other girls when you’re between the ages of 16 and 25 without having some “yah-yah”-ing going on…sometimes a little gossip, a bit of pride and some histrionics that can turn minor incidents into full-blown relationship busters. Even more complicated is when the trouble involves someone of the opposite sex–someone who may be looking for male logic and sense in the hysteria that may at any time be compounded by caffeine, hormones, or sleep deprivation. As I was thinking about this I was reminded of my own college days and those of my daughter that were not completely free of the turmoil of girl theatrics, by any stretch. I reached back into the archives today to pull out something Hannah wrote while in the midst of the dorm drama. It might be useful if you find yourself embroiled. Keep calm and keep Christ in the mix. In fact, keep Him at the center. In times of crisis, get somewhere quiet and spend some time in the Word. Here’s Hannah on drama. As you read, try to call to mind scriptures that support her five recommendations. I think you will find they are very Biblical.

Be the Bigger Person
“I’m sorry! It’s really hard to keep up with who we’re not talking to anymore!”

This quote, taken from the teenage chick flick of the century, Princess Diaries, is funny, yes, but far too close to home. Said in a group of melodramatic teenage girls, this should have been an exaggerated example of how immature girls can be, but I daresay it wasn’t an exaggeration at all.

We’re all aware of how mean girls can be, and, while we girls at FHU have great role models and a spiritual environment to help us avoid the drama, sometimes we, too, can make regular productions of petty incidents. An argument over something as silly as laundry detergent can result in a menacing grudge that can start during the first semester and last until graduation 4 years later—complete with gossip in an attempt to make the ostracized one look as bad as possible, dirty looks, and envy when the other girls gets ahead in the game. It’s exhausting.

Guys, on the other hand, get over things rather quickly. I don’t know if it’s because they’re more mature or because they’re just too absentminded and careless to prey on bitter thoughts long enough to hold a grudge, but in any case, their world is much simpler than that of us girls. I’d like to think it’s because they’re reasonable enough to see that having to remind yourself how mad you are at someone every morning is no way to live.

For the record, I’m not discrediting the perks of being a girl. Young womanhood doesn’t always have to equal childish drama. In relationships with guys, it is our keen instincts, female intuition (proven time and again), and tender hearts that balance out the coarseness and unfeeling logic that is often characteristic of our male counterparts. At the same time, girls ought to have figured out by now that not all guys pick up on body language that screams, “I’m mad at you—ask me what’s wrong,” and if even if the guy is sensitive enough to pick up on it, he may actually believe you when you quickly retort “I’m fine,” (oh the horror!).

My advice for girls? Be honest, be real, be Christ-like. This is so much easier said than done, but there are some simple ways to work toward this ideal. Here are a few (you know I’m all about lists):

5. If you have an issue with another girl, don’t assume that she knows what the problem is, or that giving her the cold shoulder will fix it.

4. Talk to the girl who has upset you, and not everyone else instead of her. Talking to someone unrelated to the situation can be beneficial if the purpose is a sincere desire to gain insight on how to help someone or how to help a situation in a Christian manner, but all too often, this excuse is used as a crutch to make you look good while you’re backbiting. Go to the girl herself with an attitude of humility and selflessness. If you cannot find resolution then, you can pillow your head at night knowing you did your best, and the rest is out of your hands.

3. Be calm and clear when you communicate with guys. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t expect them to always pick up on clues or hints.

2. Remember that when you give in to drama, you’re hurting yourself more than anyone else. To illustrate this, let me remind you of something Augustine of Hippo once said: “Resentment is like taking the poison and hoping the other person dies.”

1. Rise above it. Be the bigger person. Period.

In short, let’s start communicating. Really communicating.

Inasmuch as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

Bless Your Heart by Cindy Colley

Sister to Sister: Do You Phub?

Posted on October 5, 2015

images-17A neologism, by definition, is a newly invented word and one of the newest terms emerging this week in English is “phubbing”. To phub (from two words: “phone and snub”) is to give attention to your phone when you should be paying attention to a significant other…say, maybe your husband. To “phub up” a relationship is to damage or destroy it due to ignoring important aspects like conversation while you scroll or communicate with others via that hand-held device.

We do this, don’t we? I know I am guilty of phubbing at times. A study at Baylor University recently revealed that phubbing is a significant cause of unhappiness in marriages and sometimes leads to bigger breaches of intimacy and to significant problems in relationships (http://www.foxnews.com/health/2015/10/02/phubbing-ruining-relationships-study-says/.

As I was talking this weekend to women about treasuring the sisterhood, I first thought about this neologism in regard to our sisters. Do we sometimes get so “into” the superficial relationships with people we almost never see and hardly know that we neglect to capitalize on the times we could be spending with our local sisters? I don’t know, but it would be a shameif we let that happen. While it’s wonderful that technology has broadened our fellowship in some ways that make it possible to encourage sisters in other countries, it would be sad to be encouraging to sisters in distant places while hardly knowing those with whom we regularly worship. I want to be careful to treasure relationships with sisters with whom I share local activities and local evangelistic efforts.

But as I think further, the ultimate tragedy would be if a person phubbed God. Is that possible? Can a person spend inordinate amounts of time phone trolling, Facebook scrolling, skyping and chatting with “friends” while failing to communicate and develop a relationship with God?  I think so and I think many people do.  Are there practical steps I can take to be sure I don’t let devices subtly take the time and interest that I should be giving to God?  Can I even disrespect God by slighting my husband while communicating with others via phone? I’ve been thinking about this and here are a few things I want to incorporate into my personal habits to make sure that I never inadvertently give God (or His delegated authority in my life) the leftovers of my communication time.

  1. When God is talking to me (i.e I am reading my Bible or listening to teaching), I will attempt to have my phone silenced or at least ignore any calls that are not emergencies, no matter where I may be.
  2. When I am talking to God, I will not allow my phone to interrupt that prayer time.
  3. I will reserve time for study and prayer every day as a priority over time spent on devices.
  4. I will not look at my phone during mealtimes with my husband, who is the one I am to reverence (Eph. 5:33).
  5. I will not text others while Glenn is speaking to me.
  6. I will not be on Facebook when my husband prefers that I be doing something else with him.  This  would be next to impossible for some women I know who are very much addicted to Facebook  or Twitter or Instagram. It may prove to be harder for me than I think. It’s my challenge for the coming days. I don’t want to be a phubber! (It’s funny….The term is so new that “phubber” autocorrects to “chubbier”. I don’t really want to be that either!)