Questions and Answers – Very Personally Speaking

My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. My problem is that I just am not very much “into” sex. I need to be romanced and my husband just isn’t great at romance anymore. He was very romantic while we were dating, but somehow it has just sort of slowly disappeared from his personality.

Anyway, my problem is, I never want to (except maybe once or twice a month)  have sex with him. It’s surely nothing he can help. I just don’t particularly enjoy it. It’s not that I’m not attracted to him because I am. It’s like I can’t get my mind to think sexually. I want to be one of those wives who is all about it and willing and actually really wants sex, but I’m not. I try to give it to him anyway, but I want to want it. Is there something wrong with me?

Do you have any suggestions for me? This is affecting our marriage because, when we have sex infrequently, we seem to argue more. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what is wrong with me.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Well, let me first of all say that I am 99 percent sure that there is nothing wrong with you. However, it may still be a good idea to discuss this with your OB-GYN and be sure. Having said that, let me add that this is very commonly expressed by Christian women and I remember when we were in our early years….Kids were keeping me up all hours and the money was tight, so we did not go out for many meals. Our work was demanding and we lived far from parents, so I sometimes felt like sex was the last thing I needed on top of everything else that was going on. Of course, it is very different for men. We must, and I know you do, realize that sex is a very real need for husbands. It is something like hunger, itself. It builds and builds to the point of really physically gnawing at him if he is deprived. He is far more likely to be tempted to lust and to view pornography if he is deprived for long at a time. It is not a choice that he feels this way. It is the way God made him. It is a really good thing, because, for God’s men, it draws them to be intimate and to depend on their wives for fulfillment, just as the wife should depend on him for physical sustenance. It makes the relationship cohesive as well as intimate. God knew what he was doing. While, at our best, we enjoy and look forward to sex, I doubt that any of us NEED it in the same way our men do. It’s really important, too, for you and me to realize that the affirmation of our WANTING to be with our guys sexually is a huge part of their manliness. It is a really big part of what makes them feel like the men of their homes…that they are needed, wanted and on their game. It affects their performance in their jobs, their church work and their parenting. I know you know this, too, but, of course, Biblically, your body does not belong to you. It is his and the frequency of your sex should be whenever either of you want it (I Cor. 7:3-5).

Only when you are in happy compliance with this biblical principle will you even start to find the joy God wants you to have in the marriage bed. So you start there and then you work on growing to love sex. Get a good book to read together. You (the woman) should choose it since some of the books in the “better sex” section are pornographic. Some good ones are “Sheet Music”  (Leman) or “The Gift of Sex” (Penner) (although this is not a blanket endorsement of either).  Then you try to be the initiator at least once a month. Try to be happy when he is the initiator. If there is a time when you really are just too tired or ill, let him know that if he can wait till __________, then you can make it worth his wait! Just make yourself happy doing this for now because you know God wants you to grow in the appreciation of this part of His wonderful gift of marriage. Soon there will be more times when you really will look forward to it. Try to work toward a point when you can tell him which touches specifically are pleasurable to you. Try to do funky things (like making up code language for sexual messages so you can say them to him in public, in Song of Solomon fashion –or sending a message about “later tonight” in his fb message box.)

Now, having said that, I must say this also. Just as the sexual part of intimacy may not be so easily appreciated by you, the romantic part of intimacy seems a little more awkward for the man, so be patient with him. He thinks that, since he is bringing home the bacon, and attending the welfare of the family, that you should obviously know that he is attracted to you, loves you like crazy, and that all the romance is wrapped up in the service to you and family. Of course, if he only knew that a little (okay, a lot) of… let’s say…less practical romance on all the days (not just the ones when he is thinking sex is going to happen) could do so much to enhance your view of him and his advances, then he would make the effort to be more creative, more thoughtful and, in general, more romantic. Remember, though…your happily wanting sex cannot be dependent on his romance. He must remember that his thoughtfulness and kindness to you (romance) cannot be dependent on your excitement about sex. You both do it because you want to please God and each other. You make an EFFORT to do the right thing because you want to please the other. And then, reciprocally, YOU will get the reward for making his sexual pleasure your priority. I can almost guarantee you will come to enjoy it. HE will be rewarded for being romantic…and he will come to like being romantic. Now, if you haven’t already done so, try to read “You’re Singing My Song” together and, if at all possible, try to attend one of our seminars together. The seminars have a very practical session to teach men how to be romantic.

One more thing. Treat your husband the way you would want your little boy to be treated one day by his wife. Be the kind of wife you would want his wife to one day be. I love my son so much. I want his needs to all be filled and I want her to do it with joy, because I want my grandchildren to grow up in a household of peace. You are so right. You keep sex to a minimum for a while and you will keep arguments to their max. By your simply seeking the answers to these issues in your marriage, you have led me to believe the problems will find resolution. You WANT to fix this and that’s the most important element in the fix. Also, you should pray separately and together about this. God can do anything. You know that!