“I Want To Know What It Would Have Felt Like”

The following letter that I received a few days ago speaks for itself. It really needs no commentary except to tell you that I publish it with permission from its author. It will remain anonymous, but please know it’s from a real woman, who even after the years have passed, the forgiveness has occurred and the Lord has continued to bless, has moments of pain and regret because of sin so long ago forgiven. Sometimes we simply get finished with sin before it is finished with us. I pray that this helps a young heart somewhere deepen its resolve for purity. And thanks to the sweet woman who has the heart to help those who still have the choice to make.

I am just overcome with joy on Hannah’s engagement! I know you are just overly excited as well. However, I have some sadness within me. As silly (and maybe inappropriate) as it sounds, please indulge me. I know that she has stayed pure and will remain so until her wedding day. That is so amazing! Yet it’s this very thing that saddens me. I was not pure by any stretch of the imagination. On our wedding night after we had sex, I just lay there and bawled. He asked me what was wrong but I just couldn’t let it all out. Not on our wedding night. He knew that I had slept with many guys prior to us dating. He had slept with many girls prior. We had laid everything out on the table way before the wedding day so everything was known. But I didn’t know how to tell him how much I hated myself for not waiting until that moment to give myself to the one true person that I loved. This was supposed to be a happy time, and here I was so upset with myself for messing things up. If I had just done the right thing, this night could have been so much more meaningful! I know that God has forgiven me. And I thought I had forgiven myself. Until now. So many emotions just flooded my soul. Many people get engaged. And it never hits me. But because I KNOW that Hannah has done what is right in the sight of God I can only imagine how amazing her wedding night is going to be. Literally only imagine. And that hurts. I want to know what it would have felt like. (Please don’t think I’m being inappropriate. I’m sorry if I am.). I can’t change the past. All I can do is prepare for the future. I pray that I plant the Word of God in my sweet girls’ hearts. I pray that I demonstrate the love that I have for Him and His word in every action of my day. I pray that they, like Hannah, can experience what I never got to experience. And I pray that even after 8 years I can get over the feelings I have about myself. Thank you for listening. And again, congratulations! I really am excited for you!! She will make an amazing wife, and eventually an amazing mother!