Sister to Sister: Questions and Answers–Marital Insecurity?

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imagesTonight, when I sat down to write, I had several messages in my inboxes that needed responses. One was from a young wife in a far-away place who has begun to lack the confidence she needs to feel like she’s “good enough” to be in her husband’s circle of friends or to be at his level of competence. She even has feelings of jealousy toward another woman, who actually is not a threat to her marriage; more like a small part of her husband’s life before marriage. She knows that her husband is a good man, but still, she’s struggling with being what she wants to be in her attitudes toward him. She asked for my advice. Now I know I do not have all the answers and we all struggle at times with insecurities, but perhaps this post, even to an anonymous writer, can help someone else who’s feeling not-quite-good-enough in a marriage that’s good, but can, like almost all of our marriages, be even better with a little work. The irony of an imaginary threat is that, given the expanse of mind to grow, the perception, though false, can cause some real pain. Let’s be careful not to cut each other with imaginary knives.

Here’s the response:

Of course, you are all he wants. You are beautiful and, just from the short time I observed you, I know you are funny and the center of his attentions. I am so glad he made the decision to become a Christian and I am so thankful that you both want the marriage to be a God-directed union. That is the way you can spend eternity together. 

From what you have told me, I do not believe you have any threat to your marriage to worry about at all. The threat is only inside of you. Here’s my advice: 

As your husband is a new Christian and growing in the Lord, he will become less and less impressed with people who are worldly and more and more enamored with the beauty of holiness. I would like to see you put all of your efforts into being the kind of woman who wants, with all her heart, to follow the Lord. Tell him that is what you want for your marriage; to grow in the Word together and be all you can be, as a couple, for the Lord. 

Then, let me send you a copy of our marriage book, “You’re Singing My Song”. Ask him if he will commit to reading a short bit of it each night together…just a page or two. It will draw you closer  together and I believe it will strengthen your sense of intimacy with him…to know that you are the woman who is in the most intimate circle that he has. 

Then, I want you to intentionally grow past this. You believe that the only threat is inside your imagination. I do, too. SO realize that your life is short and that you would not want to be treated this way if the shoe was on the other foot. Follow the golden rule and treat him the way you would like to be treated. In fact, when those feelings of insecurity rise to the surface, MAKE yourself do something your husband really loves…a back rub, a note on his bathroom mirror, a meal that he loves….whatever he likes…INSTEAD of confronting him about what he might be thinking. You will be surprised how this will draw him to you and you will grow in your confidence. 

I believe your husband wants to be a man of God. You are so blessed in this way. Praying for you! Now, to what address can I send this book?

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